SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 – Dec 21
Early morning yoga is a great way to start your day, but seeing men in yoga pants is a bad way to start mine. Consider the children…

CAPRICORN Dec 22 – Jan 19
Swim between the flags. Nothing more embarrassing than having to get lectured by a 14 year old kid who’s just gotten out of nippers.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 – Feb 18
Deodorant. Quite possibly the greatest public service you can provide to others with limited effort. A ripe Mango is awesome. A ripe tradie is not.

PISCES Feb 19 – Mar 20
2019 is getting closer and you’re running out of time to complete all those New Year’s resolutions from 2018.  I’m not saying you should panic. An increased level of anxiety will be enough. 

ARIES March 21 – April 19
No, you cannot Air BNB your child’s bedroom whilst they’re still at home.

TAURUS April 20 – May 20
Summer is finally here and so are all the unwelcome visitors. The flies, the cockroaches, the desperate real estate agents.

GEMINI: May 21 – Jun 20
Bikini body not ready yet? Don’t worry, neither is mine. Fat has taken refuge and not even Peter Dutton can send it back to where it came from… McDonalds.

CANCER Jun 21 – Jul 22
You’ll spend more time this summer looking for parking at the beach than the time spent at the beach, and park so far away you realise that maybe walking might’ve been quicker than driving.

LEO Jul 23 – Aug 22
Get creative on Instagram. Take selfies with strangers. Just make sure you knock on the toilet cubicle door first. Be polite.

VIRGO Aug 23 – Sep 22
School holidays are the best time of year for you to drive to work. Oh the irony…

LIBRA Sep 23 – Oct 22
Sunscreen is not optional. G-strings on men are. Choose wisely.

SCORPIO Oct 23 – Nov 21
There’s a special place reserved in hell for people who feed seagulls and pigeons. Bankstown.